How to Find the Perfect Partner in Crime
by ilovetvalot
Summary: When David Rossi crosses Aaron Hotchner in a particularly bad way, he seeks vengeance. But, before he can complete his revenge - he really needs to find a perfect partner. When Hotch and JJ join forces, revenge never tasted sweeter! Written for WhimsicalOneGa and Shannon Robinson, winners of the Great Season 8 Finale Bet hosted on Facebook. ONESHOT! Complete HUMOR!


_**Special Note: This story is dedicated to WhimsicalOneGa and Shannon Robinson, the winners of the Great Season Eight Finale Bet hosted by Jekkah Fanfiction on Facebook. Congrats, friends! I hope you and our readers enjoy!**_

_**Yours,**_

_**T&T**_

* * *

**How to Find a Perfect Partner in Crime**

Aaron Hotchner seethed aloud as he looked around his best friend's pristinely organized office, his fists balled at his sides. With a sharply indrawn breath, he hissed, "If you wrong me, shall I not revenge?"

The Bard had certainly summed up things up nicely, Aaron Hotchner thought to himself as he viciously opened the stapler on David Rossi's desk and removed the simple metal staples. He'd only taken a little creative license with the quote. Dropping the staples in his pocket, he smiled coldly as he purposefully replaced the office item back on the elder profiler's desk about fifteen degrees off from where it had originally been placed. It would drive Rossi crazy, he thought happily.

One degree alone would be noticed. Five degrees would be noticed and corrected. Fifteen degrees should send a certain someone into the OCD stratosphere.

Rubbing his hands together gleefully, Aaron scanned the neat surface for the next object he could screw with. Ah, yes. The perfectly arranged pen holder. That would definitely earn him irritation points. Purposefully taking out three of his friend's favorite pens, he broke them in half, throwing the evidence in the trash can underneath the desk. A few casualties could be expected in any war.

Freezing as he heard the door open, Aaron relaxed when JJ's curious face appeared. "Oh, it's you," he breathed, accidently on purpose dropping a litter of paperclips on Rossi's floor.

Jennifer Jareau's pretty face scrunched in confusion as she closed the door quietly behind her. "Hey, Hotch," JJ greeted her handsome boss cautiously, watching as the Unit Chief sat in Rossi's chair and jerked the center drawer of the desk open. "What's going on? Why are you in Rossi's office?" she asked, dropping the file she'd been working on for the senior profiler in his inbox while Aaron methodically emptied the contents of Dave's desk organizer into the center of his desk.

Lifting his eyes to the woman currently staring at him as though he'd lost his mind (and on closer thought, maybe he had), Aaron smiled. "At the moment, Agent Rossi is currently occupying my office," he informed her tightly.

Truly perplexed now, JJ tilted her head and waited silently for Hotch to continue.

Twisting open the bottle of liquid white-out and pouring the contents in the trash, not at all worried with the white splatters that now stained the once spotless carpet, he resealed the now empty container tightly before settling it back on the top of the desk. "You see, our friendly profiler asked if he could borrow my computer for a few minutes. It was no big deal," Aaron said dismissively, shrugging his broad shoulders. "I had a meeting anyway."

"O-kay," JJ replied slowly, still completely mystified by Aaron Hotchner's current actions. Was this what stress did to a man that had spent over half his life at the Bureau? Was she going to finally crack under the pressure, too? As if she didn't already have enough to worry about, it seemed as though she was going to need to look into her health insurance coverage to see if nervous breakdowns were included. She sighed as she asked carefully, "So, you've decided to rearrange his desk while you wait? You know, Dave is sort of…"

"An anal retentive neat freak that guards his desk much like a bulldog viciously guards his favorite bone?" Hotch asked, lifting bright eyes to JJ and widening his smile. "I'm aware."

"Hotch…"

"You see, after my meeting, I went back to my office," he continued with his story as if JJ hadn't interrupted him, his fingers itching to find another item to destroy. "I expected to find my office empty."

"It wasn't?" JJ hazarded a guess.

"Oh, no, it certainly was _not,_" Hotch declared with a shudder and a grimace.. "He was still there," he growled, efficiently rearranging the paperclips, thumbtacks, rulers, pencils, erasers and the like in the desk organizer, mixing the items together in a melee that would have made worshipers of the Chaos Theory proud. "He also had company – in my office – _on my desk_!" he yelled, tossing the organizer haphazardly back inside the drawer before slamming it closed with enough force to rattle the windows.

"Oh, God," JJ breathed with a sneaking suspicion of where this was all headed.

"He had _special_ company, you see," Aaron informed her in a much too calm voice. "Our esteemed Section Chief. You know, your boss…my boss… _his_ freaking boss!" he growled, enunciating each word by knocking each of the many photos lining Rossi's desk out of place.

"Oh, my," JJ returned weakly, valiantly trying to control her twitching lips. She knew if she laughed, she was toast. Everyone knew Rossi and Strauss were a closeted item, but she'd assumed they were keeping all their extracurricular activities in said closet as well.

"Oh, yes. Oh, my! She was naked, of course. ON MY DESK! That is only topped by the fact that Rossi was naked in MY CHAIR – where I SIT!" he roared, purposefully reaching for one of the many awards hanging on the wall and adjusting it so that it hung crookedly.

"That's…awful!" JJ choked, her eyes misting with tears of mirth. Oh, God! Wait until she shared this tasty tidbit with Garcia!

Turning sharply, Hotch's eyes flashed ominously even though his lips twisted into a smile. "You're laughing."

"No!" JJ shook her head quickly in instant denial as Aaron turned to begin jerking books from Rossi's bookshelves only to place them in another spot. Oh, Sweet Lord! He was destroying the Rossi Method…that special way the older man had of categorizing his books.

As the poets claimed, shit had just gotten very real, indeed.

"JJ?" Aaron called genially over his shoulder.

Swallowing hard, JJ fought to keep her voice level. "Yes, Hotch?"

"You know that bag of Flaming Cheetos that you rescued from the snack machine yesterday? I believe it was the last ones to be delivered for a week, weren't it?" he reminded her cheerfully, his hands still busily rearranging Rossi's various books.

Frowning, JJ blinked. It was official. Aaron Hotchner had finally gone insane. It was the only explanation for a rational, intelligent man to engage in a conversation about snack food while he ransacked his best friend and colleague's office.

"Uhm…yeah. I remember. I was actually going to have them for a snack when I got back to my desk," she replied, slowly backing away from Aaron.

"No, you won't," Aaron offered easily, turning to wear Rossi's elegant and expensive coat was hung on the tall coat rack in the corner and throwing it in the floor in a wrinkled heap without a care in the world. Casually stomping on the linen, he felt slightly vindicated when he left a perfect footprint in the middle of the light grey material.

"I won't?"

Hotch shook his head as he paused to face JJ. "No."

"Why?" JJ yelped.

"Rossi ate them," Hotch explained, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for the fireworks. Nobody touched JJ's snacks.

Nobody.

"He ate my snack?" JJ whispered, her cute face flushing with anger as her fists clenched at her side.

"Every last orange Cheeto. He desecrated my desk and he stole your food," Aaron clarified, his grin growing as he watched the rage slowly descend on JJ.

"He must be stopped." JJ whispered, her own eyes now glinting with an evil that would have made Charlie Manson proud.

Her anger-fueled words warmed the cockles of his heart. "My sentiments exactly," Aaron agreed, picking up Dave's favorite coffee mug and turning it over in his hands. Holding it out to her, Aaron smiled again. "Would you like to do the honors? It's his favorite."

And watching as the petite blonde woman accepted the cup that Dave had taken his coffee in for the last ten years and lifted it over her head, Hotch couldn't help thinking that nobody should ever revenge alone.

It was always better to take along a partner in crime.

_**Finis**_


End file.
